


Restore

by MemoryDragon



Series: Linked [1]
Category: Tales of Xillia
Genre: Gen, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-30
Updated: 2021-01-30
Packaged: 2021-03-16 11:00:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29081286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MemoryDragon/pseuds/MemoryDragon
Summary: There were somethings Jude wasn't sure he could forgive, but that didn't mean he wanted to see someone he cared about suffer.
Relationships: Alvin & Jude Mathis
Series: Linked [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2133621
Comments: 2
Kudos: 9





	Restore

**Author's Note:**

> **Disclaimer:** I do not own Tales of Xillia, nor do I make any claim to.  
>  **Warnings:** Takes place after the party gets to Elympios but before they return to Reize Maxia, so expect spoilers up to that point. It deals a great deal with how depressed Alvin was at the time. Also, there's some minor pre-shipping going on.  
>  **Rating:** G  
>  **Thanks:** Many thanks to narwhale_callin for the beta, even when you had no idea about the characters and had to listen to me have feels over Alvin. XD  
>  **Notes:** So this is part one of a two part series that was mostly written because Alvin gave me a lot of feels. One thing of note is while none of this is actually mentioned in the fic, I was writing the characters from very specific sexual/romantic orientations and that partially colored how the characters were written, though that comes out more in Milla's part than Jude's. So for the record, I view Alvin as aromantic/bisexual, Jude as bi, and Milla, if she were to come across the words, would probably prefer panromantic/asexual (she never cared much for tethering like her sister and human sex is purely academic). Like I said though, none of that was really mentioned enough to tag, so it's just for reference. Milla's part also ends in pre-slashy potential poly, which you can take however you want. It's definitely an eventual, when Jude is older and spyrix has been replaced so Milla can join them from time to time-ship for me. XD

"You're worried," Milla said after he'd healed Alvin's wounds. They had ended up making camp in a small enclave in the cliff face because Alvin had taken a hard hit and it was getting close to nightfall anyway. Rowen was cooking tonight, since both Leia and Elize were still uncomfortable with Alvin, leaving Jude to heal him.

"He's moving slower than normal," Jude said, gripping his forearm as he swayed. Everyone was tired, and Jude was no exception. But Alvin… Alvin had barely been able to look at him as Jude had healed him. It had been a long time since Jude had seen Alvin with a real smile, and even the fake ones Alvin threw around were much less frequent nowadays. It was like he was too tired to even try anymore.

"I thought you were angry with him."

Jude sighed, his shoulders hunching. "I am," he said, not sure when he'd actually be able to forgive Alvin for nearly killing Leia. "But this... He's going to really hurt himself if this keeps up."

Milla smiled warmly at him, and a fluttering feeling swarmed in his gut and his heart rate sped up. "You're very kind, Jude, even among humans. What do you propose to do?"

"Could you talk to him?" Alvin respected Milla, possibly even loved her, though it was a different sort of love from what Jude felt, he was pretty sure. Milla had a much better chance at getting through to him.

"I could," Milla said thoughtfully, "But I don't think it's me he needs to talk to."

"... I don't know what to say to him." He looked at Alvin, sitting by the fire, apart from the others. He was staring ahead, but Jude didn't think he was actually seeing anything, whereas Jude could close his eyes and still hear the gunshot that nearly killed his best friend. Even so, he'd tried to get through to Alvin in the past. But Alvin just... wasn't listening. "Besides, he's kind of been avoiding me."

Jude was a lot more observant than the others realized, which was probably because he was mostly overlooked by other people in general. Though Alvin kept his distance from Leia, he still attempted to talk to the others. But when Jude attempted an olive branch, Alvin couldn't keep eye contact and shied away.

"One of your greatest strengths is that you help us all when we fall," Milla said. "You're a healer, Jude, and a good one. I'm sure you'll be able to help him up. As for him avoiding you... Perhaps you should set a trap for _him_ this time."

The trap was surprisingly simple. Jude waited until everyone was sleeping, then he quietly moved around the others, noting that Alvin's habits still hadn't changed. Even wounded, Alvin always slept closest to the open when they camped. He slept lightly, if at all some nights, keeping watch. Rowen had been the one who'd first noticed it, attributing the habit to Alvin sneaking away to betray them yet again. Jude wondered if that was the truth, though. It's probably what Alvin would say if confronted about it, but Jude was learning to catch the signs of his lies, and despite all his failings, Alvin took the physical protection of the group seriously.

Jude didn't look his way as he snuck past, but the tells were there. Alvin wasn't sleeping this time either, which played well into Jude's hand.

He walked some distance, back to a rock he'd seen earlier that afternoon. He didn't want to wake the others, since they'd all been on edge in this strange world beyond the schism. It was a trek, but nothing Jude wasn't used to at this point.

The rock was flat and low to the ground, perfect for sitting on. He brushed it off before climbing up, sitting with his legs crossed under him. Leia always teased him for sitting like that, saying it looked like he was meditating all the time, but Jude found the position very comfortable, especially for studying in his tiny dorm room.

Even this far from Trigleph, it was hard to see the stars. There was still too much... What was the word Balan called it? Smog. That sounded right. The unnatural clouds blocked the view for longer than Balan and Alvin had been alive, according to what he'd overheard them saying. He wondered if he'd ever see the stars of Rieze Maxia again.

He'd heard a monster creeping up, noting the cockatrice out of the corner of his eye when he sat down, but he ignored it. While trust was a strange word to use with Alvin, Jude was certain he'd be there.

He didn't even turn while Alvin's Demon Fang arte took care of the cockatrice. He just waited for Alvin to finish it off.

"Took you long enough," Jude said, leaning back on his hands.

"The thanks I get for saving your butt," Alvin muttered, with a weak smile that was pretty flimsy for an accomplished liar and traitor. Rowen had worried Alvin wouldn't be able to keep up this lifestyle much longer, and Jude hadn't understood what the older man had meant back then. Now though, the wear and stress were too much for even Alvin to hide, and Jude knew the depression he'd been under was close to overwhelming him.

"What are you doing out here?" Alvin asked, though he kept his distance. "Can't sleep?"

"I just... can't get over how desolate Elympios is," Jude admitted. The barren ground was cracked and barely enough for bits of withered grass and a few forlorn trees to survive. Alvin had said it was actually _worse_ than he remembered it to be as a child, too.

"And we've got no one to blame for it but ourselves, I know," Alvin said, easily shouldering the blame for his entire world.

Jude didn't know what to say to that, so he looked back to the clouds. It was a few moments before he heard Alvin shifting, then finally coming closer. He'd chosen this rock because it was big enough for two people to sit on, but instead of joining Jude, Alvin sat on the ground next to him, his back to the rock. He pulled up one leg, the other lying straight in front of him as he looked up at the clouds as well. "Alright, kid. I'll take your bait," Alvin said quietly. "What lecture do you have for me this time?"

"I didn't come out to lecture you," Jude said, shaking his head.

"Well, I know you didn't lure me out here for the pleasure of my company." There it was again, the lie of a smile that barely held together. There was no follow-up about how he usually only chased after ladies or some other innuendo, and as much as those quips usually annoyed Jude, he kind of missed it now that it wasn't there.

He let the silence stretch on between them as he considered his words. Alvin looked exhausted, but he didn't rush Jude or go back to camp. Jude wondered how he'd managed to stay awake to keep watch when it was obvious how close he was to his limits. He seemed resigned to this talk, however, which Jude hoped was a good sign. "Alvin..."

"Yeah, kid?"

"...Would you be honest with me?"

Alvin tensed, ducking his head as he rubbed his wrist and flexed his gun hand. "Way to jump right off the deep end," he said. "But what have I got to lose at this point? I'll... I can try."

That was probably the best Jude would get, so he nodded, chewing on his lower lip. "Back at Fennmont Seaheaven, when we first met... Why did you save me?"

"Thought you'd have figured that one out by now, being an honors student and all," Alvin said, not looking his way. "I was sent to check up on the progress of the Lance of Kresnik for Exodus, then got orders to follow you two and see what you knew."

"That's why you followed Milla," Jude agreed, waving it off. "I asked you to be honest. You didn't need _me_. Milla obviously was willing to leave me behind, so I wouldn't have had the key you were looking for."

It was Jude's turn to wait through the silence, wondering what kind of answer he'd get. There were plenty of logical excuses Alvin could make, like using Jude to get information out of Milla. Looking back, Alvin _had_ tried to use Jude to find out eventually. But he didn't think any of those excuses were more than just that - excuses. Plausible lies that hid meager bits of truth behind a debonair smile.

Alvin opened his mouth, then closed it, not saying anything for a long while. Then he sighed. "You were... You were just a _kid_ , one little pipsqueak against the whole of the Rashugal army. I know what kind of 'intelligence gathering' they're capable of and I didn't..."

Jude's eyes widened as he looked down to Alvin. He had his leg drawn up to his chest with a miserable look in his eyes as he searched the clouds. Not for the first time since coming to Elympios, Jude wondered what kind of childhood Alvin must have had on Rieze Maxia. Forced to work for Exodus for his mother's sake in order to get home, Alvin had lived among people who could use spirit artes without a spyrix, which by his own admission had been like living among people with superpowers and being the only one without them. He'd had to survive all of that, plus the schemes of his uncle and his mother's dementia...

It seemed frightfully lonely.

"Is that all you wanted to know?" Alvin asked, still not looking at him.

"We're worried about you," Jude said, not knowing what else to say.

That got him to look at Jude, and for a brief moment he could see the surprise in Alvin's eyes under the clouded moonlight. They quickly slid away, as though looking directly at Jude was too painful. "What's to worry about? I got myself into this mess. It's not like I didn't know what I was doing, Jude."

_"I-I didn't mean to..." The horror in Alvin's eyes as he realized he'd actually shot Leia morphed into anger and grief so fast Jude had barely seen it._

They'd both been lashing out then, but deep down Jude had always known that Alvin was more broken from Milla's death than even he had been, but it had taken pounding Alvin to the ground for his anger to cool enough to see the full extent of it.

Alvin hadn't been able to meet his eyes since that day.

"I was actually relieved, ya know," Alvin said, running a hand through his hair. "When I realized you finally hated me. It took you so damned long. I'll... Look, you shouldn't worry about me. I'm not running away anymore."

"What are you saying?" Jude asked, his hands balling into fists in his lap as surprise woke his latent anger.

Alvin draped his arm over his knee, resting his forehead on it as he hid his eyes completely. "I get it, you worry about everyone. But you don't have to worry about me, alright? Save your worrying for people who actually deserve to - OW! What was that for?!"

Jude hadn't held back when he hit Alvin on the head, and it got Alvin out of the self-pity he was prone to for a few seconds. Leia's manner of solving things was occasionally very efficient, and Jude had to use those seconds wisely. "I never hated you," he said, crossing his arms over his chest.

Alvin froze, his hand still in his hair where he'd been rubbing the spot Jude had thwapped him. He took a shuddering breath, like the act of taking in air was a burden too great for him, and let his hand fall slowly to the ground. "Great joke, kid," he said, laughing softly. "You almost had me going there."

"I wasn't joking." Jude was the one who looked away this time, slightly flushed. Was that what Alvin really thought?

"But you-"

"I'm angry. Really, _really_ , angry," Jude rushed on, not wanting to hear the objections. "I don't even know if I _can_ forgive you. I... I don't know."

The anger drained from his shoulders, and he glanced back at Alvin. There was a wounded look on his face, like Jude had done more than just whacked him on the head.

Jude was doing this all wrong. It looked like he was making things worse, and he wasn't even sure being able to forgive Alvin even _mattered_ in the long run any more. He swallowed down the lump in his throat and pushed on. "That's not the same thing as _hating_ you."

"That... doesn't even make sense," Alvin said, his voice cracking. "You _should_ hate me. Hell, you should have hated me for a while. After all I did..."

The lies and betrayals. Leia on death's door. Seeing the back of Alvin's coat as he once again walked away from them. Jude closed his eyes and concentrated on breathing to calm his own temper. There was so much that Alvin had done that the word 'friend' couldn't quite find its way out of Jude's mouth, but...

"You're one of us," he said instead, shrugging. Being able to forgive Alvin had nothing to do with the fact that their group still _cared_ about him.

_"I'm happy for you, Al. Open your eyes. Now you've found your place as well."_

"You're one of us," Jude said with more conviction as he remembered Presa's last words. "You've found your place, that's what Presa-"

" _Don't_ ," Alvin said, shuddering violently. "Please."

"She didn't hate you either," Jude said, ignoring the plea. It was cruel, and a part of Jude felt awful bringing up the memory, but Alvin needed to understand.

Alvin was frozen, still enough that Jude wondered if he was even breathing, his face still hidden away. He reached out to the older man, hesitating. He stopped, just an inch from Alvin, letting his hand fall back at his side.

Milla would have been better at this. She hadn't been there when Alvin shot Leia. She could _forgive_.

Jude waited as Alvin collected himself, looking again at the dreary Elympion landscape. There was hardly any _life_ in Elympios, and it terrified Jude in a way he couldn't quite put a name to. The lack of spirits was unsettling, and he couldn't put the feeling of emptiness their presence left no matter how he tried.

He wondered if Alvin had felt the same when he'd arrived at Rieza Maxia.

"You sure aren't pulling your punches anymore, are you?" Alvin said, eventually breaking the quiet with a steady voice. He looked up finally, but not at Jude. His eyes were dry, but Jude wondered if maybe it'd be better for Alvin if they weren't.

"I'm sorry," Jude said.

"You shouldn't be apologizing to me."

"I'm sorry all the same."

Jude saw the same hopelessness in Alvin's eyes that prompted him to set this trap in the first place. At this rate, Jude feared he'd never be able to make things right again. Milla said he was a healer, and he was supposed to be the smart one, the honors student. So why couldn't he figure out what to say? "Alvin..."

"You want me to be honest?" Alvin asked, his gaze turning hard. "Lying is the only thing I know. I've tried to do things right... but every time I either push everyone away or people _die_ because I made the wrong choice. You've seen all my bad decisions, Jude. I _always_ make the wrong choice, because I think it'll hurt less or I can just disappear after, except now I... There's nowhere left to run. I don't _want_ to run anymore. But what if I can't change that?"

The question was rhetorical, but Jude pondered it all the same. There really wasn't an easy answer to it, no matter how he wracked his brain to come up with one. "If you don't want to run anymore, what _do_ you want?"

Alvin closed his eyes, gripping his wrist tightly. "I..." he started, the words forcing themselves out. "I don't know. I just don't want to make the wrong choices anymore. I don't want to be _lonely_ all the damned time. I'm always alone."

Alvin had only been a child, younger than even Elize, when he was thrust into a world of people with terrifying abilities he didn't share. Jude remembered him saying that he'd already been a veteran by the time he was Jude's age, and Jude was only now coming to understand all of what that meant.

But finally, Alvin _was_ being honest. And that... that was something he wanted to help with. Jude didn't know if he _could_ , but this wasn't something he could back down from, now that he knew. "I'm not strong or special like Milla and Gaius," Jude said. It felt like he'd said those words so many times now, and they still rang true to him, no matter how he tried. "I don't think I'll ever be. But I promise, I'll do what I can. I'll try and help you figure out better choices, if you'll let me. You're not alone anymore. So..." The last time he'd said this, Alvin hadn't been ready, hadn't been able to face him. But now, maybe... "Let's get moving, Alvin. Come with us."

"You..." Alvin was staring at him now, his eyes wide. Had Jude finally been able to get through to him this time?

Alvin started blinking rapidly, and Jude only just saw the wetness in his eyes before he shut them tightly. "I don't _ever_ want to hear you say you're not special, Jude," Alvin said, his voice thick.

"But-"

" _Ever_ ," Alvin said, resting his head against Jude's knee. Jude caught his breath, uncertain of what to do with the sudden proximity. "You grew up, ya know. Despite my terrible example. And you're a hell of a lot stronger than I ever was."

Jude flushed at the praise. In spite of everything that had happened, Alvin's words meant a lot. He didn't think he really deserved them yet, but maybe one day... "Maybe you just showed me all the wrong ways to be an adult," Jude teased.

"Ouch, kid. I think I liked it better when you hit me." But Alvin was laughing, and he didn't move his head from Jude's knee. Jude decided he was okay with Alvin being like this. It was kind of nice.

"We should head back to the others," Jude said, once he'd gotten over the praise.

"I..."

Jude waited curiously for Alvin to continue. Hopefully Alvin would start to get _better_ , but he still seemed so fragile and wounded from earlier. Jude didn't want to jostle him, and being out here in this barren place, it was nice to have company.

"Can you... let me stay like this?" Alvin asked, his voice barely above a whisper. "Just for a little while longer."

"Hm," Jude said, his index finger going to his temple as he considered the request. "On one condition."

"Name it."

"You have to trust me to keep watch this time," Jude said. "You need _rest_ , Alvin."

He heard Alvin suck in a breath. "That's a pretty tall order."

"Yup," Jude said, tilting his head slightly. "But that's my condition."

It was a long moment before Alvin finally spoke, his voice breaking softly. "I-I'll try."

Jude couldn't tell if Alvin was actually going to trust him or if he was just so tired he was willing to rest his fate in Jude's hands, regardless of what that may be. Jude reached out, once again pausing just before he touched Alvin.

Alvin was trying to be honest, at least. That had to be good enough for now.

Making up his mind, Jude gently placed his hand on Alvin's head, carding through his hair. "Okay."

"Thank you."

This was where Alvin belonged now, after all.

~Fin~

**Author's Note:**

> Mem: Well, I apparently didn't post anything at all last year. Oops? I was writing, but... *waves hand at 2020* typing/editing/posting was entirely a different matter. I do have several fics to post in a backlog, so you'll at least hear from me a bit in the coming weeks. 
> 
> Quote of the fic: 
> 
> "You betrayed me. You betrayed my trust. You betrayed my friendship. You betrayed everything that I've ever stood for. You let me down!"  
> "Then why are you helping me?"  
> "Why? Do you think I care for you so little that betraying me would make a difference?"  
> \--Twelfth Doctor and Clara, _Doctor Who_


End file.
